Did you hear me?
I said you need to work on your listening skills!
Did you know that 85% of what we learn is through listening, as opposed to talking or reading? But did you also know that 75% of the time we are passively distracted, preoccupied, or forgetful?
We tend to think that listening depends heavily on whether the person speaking is engaging and has our attention. But the truth is that even when we enjoy the person, their way of speaking, or the subject they’re speaking about, we will only recall about 50% of what was said immediately after they’ve said it. Our ability to recall information after 1 hour drops down to less than 20% on average!
Think about this. We think anywhere from 1000 to 3000 words per minute, but only listen at about 125-250 words per minute. That makes it so easy for our own mind to drown out what other people are trying to tell us. Without honing our listening skills, we’re bound to miss out on important information, or misunderstand the messages we hear.
Most of us have no formal training on listening skills, even though we need to listen most of the time. But when we do take the time to practice active listening, we can improve our work flows, our relationships, and our understanding. So let’s have a listen to some of the top tips for perfecting your listening skills today!
- Let Silence Speak
Few things make us as uncomfortable as an awkward silence. We often feel the need to drown out that discomfort by filling the void with anything that comes to mind.
But when we are listening to someone else speak, it’s important that we allow them time to process their thoughts so they can put their words together. Respect that everyone speaks differently, with different pacings, and we need to pay attention to the rhythm that others use so we don’t interrupt them.
Especially with difficult or complicated subjects, people have a tendency to slow down and sound out their ideas as they’re saying them. If you’re quick to cut them off, you might not get the whole picture of what they’re trying to say, and you risk making them too unsure of themselves to actually say it.
- Paraphrase It Back
By default, we want to say what WE think as soon as it’s our turn to speak. And while you should share your ideas, it’s also important that you show you understand what others have shared before moving on.
Try repeating back what someone has told you but using your own words. Not only will this assure them that you are listening, it will give them an opportunity to clarify if something isn’t mutually understood.
It’s also a great way to get people to listen better to what you have to say, because they appreciate that you are making the effort to understand them too.
- Ask Clarifying Questions
Conversations should be discussions, not lectures.
When you’re having trouble understanding what someone is saying, it’s ok to ask relevant questions. Asking specific questions will help you get the full picture, and give you clarification on anything they might have missed.
You can also ask open-ended questions to spur the conversation forward, and show that you’re really interested! How do you think questions could help you communicate?
- Empathize
We all know how easy it is to be embarrassed by something we said. That’s why you should be careful not to be overly judgemental of others when listening to them speak.
Reiterate and sympathize with the feelings they open up about. If you have to debate, debate in good faith. By using empathy as a tool for communication, you set the other person at ease and make them feel acknowledged.
- Recap
Listening is one thing; remembering is another.
If you want to improve your recall ability for the things you listen to, do a quick recap at the end of the conversation.
Think of it like meeting notes. After a business meeting, someone will typically highlight a brief overview of the discussion, as well as what actions need to be taken moving forward. By sharing it with everyone, they give all the participants a final opportunity to approve of the summary.
Even in our personal lives, this approach can be extremely useful for ensuring that we are on the same page as others, and that we retain the most important information from our conversations.
- Plan For Technical Difficulties
So much of our communication is done remotely these days — whether it’s emails, texts, phone calls, or video meetings, we rely on technology to connect us.
At the same time, technology can also fail. Think of how hard it is to focus on what a person is saying when their video keeps freezing, or when their phone line cuts out so often that you can only hear every other word.
Breakdowns in tech can cause breakdowns in our communication itself, so it’s important to have a contingency plan for when things aren’t working smoothly. And don’t forget to test systems before important events, like your next video interview!
- Announce Names
We all pay attention when we hear our own name being called, and addressing people by name is a great way to spur on active listening.
But in today’s remote world, using names has another purpose. On group calls and video conferences, it can become difficult for people to know who is speaking at any given time, unless we have a cue.
So, when you want to address a group online, let them know who’s speaking before you say what you need to say. You can also mention who said a certain idea that you’re referencing, to help reinforce everyone’s unique part in the conversation.
- Allow For Lag
We like to think that the internet is lightspeed fast, but the truth is we often encounter brief delays known as lag.
This lag can affect video or audio, and even our text messages. It’s therefore important to allow time for a feed to resolve before we interject.
Give people on the other end of the line an extra second before you cut in. Acknowledge that physical reactions and emotes may be delayed. And realize that while video calls may let us get a clearer picture of nonverbal cues, being on screen is not the same as being in the same room.
Chuck Palahniuk once wrote “People don’t listen, they just wait for their turn to talk.”
And while it’s true that it can be difficult to realize how much we don’t listen in our daily lives, because we don’t know what we’ve missed, when you practice perfecting your listening skills, you’ll be sure to hear every word!